


It Tolls For Thee

by mk_malfoy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, M/M, Severus Snape Birthday Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-09
Updated: 2011-01-09
Packaged: 2017-11-26 06:39:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/647663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mk_malfoy/pseuds/mk_malfoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Severus prepares to send Harry Potter to his death, he first has to put the past--where he sent another boy to his death--to rest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Tolls For Thee

**Title** : It Tolls For Thee  
 **Author** : MK Malfoy  
 **Summary** : As Severus prepares to send Harry Potter to his death, he first has to put the past to rest-a past where he sent another boy to his death.  
 **Character/Pairing** : Severus Snape, past Severus Snape/Regulus Black  
 **Rating** : R  
 **Warnings** : language, sexual situations  
 **Date Written** : 09-16 January 2011  
 **Words** : 4500  
 **Disclaimer** : I own nothing that would deem me worthy of receiving anything monetarily for writing this story. Everything you read has been written because JK Rowling wrote this most amazing series, and then allowed others to turn her works into movies. These are the people who own all of this.  
 **A/N** : Happy birthday, Professor Snape.

~~~

With a non-committal grunt, and a curt nod, Severus dismissed his translucent uninvited guest by way of opening the door to his study, even as he need not have; the figure could, if so inclined, easily navigate through doors.

Nevertheless, Severus left nothing to chance these days. Hinting as to what one wished to happen was well and good for children and those who had time to spare. Doing so, however, was not for adults who took no pleasure in assuming their guests could read minds, nor was it for Death Eaters and spies who were on a tight timetable.

The Headmaster of Hogwarts--although, for how much longer that title would remain his, he had no clue--was not in the mood to host anyone at the moment, most especially the wispy representation of the bearer of such somber and unwelcome news.

"Do not make him wait, Snape," said the high-pitched tenor voice, his voice leaving no doubt that his words were in warning. "If you tarry, he will send Lucius to fetch you, and Malfoy is in one of the foulest moods I've ever seen him in. Even without a wand, he is a formidable opponent. You must know that he would welcome the opportunity to prove just how inferior to him you really are." An eerie laughter followed.

Severus, who never had taken kindly to insults from his fellow Death Eaters, went for his wand, but what good would a wand be on a Patronus? Reluctantly, he lowered his arm knowing his action would be wasted on the non-human form. Instead, he glared. How dare this low life spout off such lies. "Get out," he said in a low, raspy voice which, undoubtedly, sounded weak and woefully nonthreatening. Clearing his throat, Severus tried again, this time deciding his message should probably be a bit clearer; there were those Death Eaters who didn't understand the fine art of reading between the lines. "Do not make me repeat myself. Get out! My meeting with our Master will happen when he and I are ready. He and I have spoken and have discussed when and where to meet. He is aware that I have yet to complete my duties as Headmaster. Once my commitments here are met, then, and only then, will I take my leave and join the fight that we have worked so very hard for."

Much to Severus's surprise, the silver shimmer of the Patronus began to fade, but along with the dimming remnants of the swine, any hope that this night would morph into morning without Severus having to do the one thing he had spent six years trying to avoid, began to fade.

For the briefest of moments, Severus allowed his mask to falter.

Everything was about to go badly wrong.

_Damn Potter_.

Damn him for returning to defend that which was dearest to him, damn him for thinking he could outwit and outlast a Dark Lord, and damn him for being aged seventeen and looking and acting as he did: his messy black hair and his tempestuous temperament ...

Was this 1998 or 1979?

With the exception of green eyes and those hideous glasses, it was as if Harry Potter were the twin of someone who had died nearly twenty years previous.

Of course, that was not completely true. Harry James Potter looked vastly different from Regulus Arcturus Black, but there were enough commonalities between the two to take Severus back to a time far removed from this night.

An aged Nineteen Severus had found love. Or what he thought was love. In actuality, he hadn't possessed the slightest clue as to what love had been in 1979, but whatever he'd found, he'd wanted, and he'd enjoyed it immensely. The sex had been--

_Bang_.

Severus swallowed and closed his eyes as he returned to the present and allowed the fleeting images of a bittersweet past to once again fade into the background.

Where there had been complete silence, now there were deafening noises seemingly emanating from all corners of Hogwarts.

The Silencing Charm Severus had placed on his rooms when the Patronus arrived was no more.

Everything he had ever held dear was no more.

Severus re-opened his eyes and tried to prepare himself. He looked around. His eyes scanned the sacred, familiar walls that had served as his safe and secure sanctuary for over half his life. He wasn't at all prepared to release this cocoon of his to the cacophony of creatures that awaited his castle and charges.

Just as Hogwarts's had, Severus's solitude was about to end. His presence would be required.

As if he hadn't already done enough to secure an eternity in hell, there was yet one important task to complete: He had to lead a boy to his death in order to save the wizarding world from the vindictive Dark Lord known as Voldemort.

But not yet.

First, he had a past to put to rest

_Damn you, Regulus,_ Severus thought as he prepared for what was to come.

_Headmaster's hope. Hogwarts's hero …_

Yes, Harry Potter had been those very things for the past several years, but another had held that position almost two decades earlier, and it was that person Severus's thoughts were focused on at the moment.

Before Severus could send Harry Potter to his death, he needed to make peace with the first boy whose life had ended the same.

Regulus Black had been the golden child of his day.

And he had chosen Severus to be a part of his life.

It had been unfortunate for Regulus.

The present being what it was, Severus knew that he needed to face what had happened all those many years ago. He didn't want to, but, according to Albus Dumnledore, he needed to.

The former Headmaster had told him more than a year earlier--the day they had talked about what Severus was going to have to do this night--that Severus would need to put the past to rest and make peace with it, just as he was going to have to make peace with what was to come.

How in Merlin's name was he to make peace with having the blood of Harry Potter on his hands?

Albus had attempted to quell Severus's worries and protestations, so perhaps Severus needed to first visit the scene of his greatest failure--or successes--he was conflicted as to which his act of greatest sorrow had been--that was much more recent and fresh. Just maybe his revisiting such recent hurt could help prepare him to put to rest a previous hurt. Severus doubted such, but if anyone could help ease this current guilt, it would be Albus Dumbledore, even if he were only a mere memory and image in a portrait now. He had, after all, continued to teach Severus. Death hadn't ended the former professor's zeal to impart his knowledge into others

The former headmaster had been counseling the current Headmaster in many areas this past year, most importantly, how he needed to accept his fate as it related to Harry Potter.

These lessons hadn't been at all easy, and they had been unsuccessful in most areas, but per his teacher's request, Severus had reluctantly begun to accept his feelings of protectiveness towards Potter.

It had been the most difficult acceptance of his life.

How could one finally understand and embrace the knowledge that they had paternal tendencies towards a student, but then accept to send that child to their death?

It was unthinkable, and that was what made this all the more horrific. Yes, Severus did have issues with Harry--many of them--but more than anything, the Headmaster of Hogwarts wished that he could take Harry and run far away where no one could find them. Then the boy would be safe.

That was not to be.

The Patronus and blissful silence gone, Severus departed his study and closed the door, then he began ascending the stone steps, stopping every few strides to look around him. He knew that after tonight, nothing would be the same. The possibility that these walls would soon fall was real, and it gave Severus great sadness. He wasn't ready to see this beloved castle, that had seen the commencement of his salvation, fall.

A rumble sounded.

Severus had no time to waste. He began taking the steps two at a time, and quickened his pace as he turned the corner and began walking towards the corridor he had once frequented daily when he'd been a young student whom had been filled with far too much vitriol.

The product of a broken home, that young boy had been hurt in every way imaginable, thus, he'd thought it his duty to do the same to others. En route to accomplishing such a goal, however, Severus had discovered that he hadn't had it within him to be the ruthless cock-up his father had been. 

Unfortunately, this realization had come too late to secure Severus the safe future he deserved, and he paid dearly for his past desire to hurt others.

He was still paying for that dastardly disastrous decision.

Over the years, Severus had hurt and wronged many people, and now he knew that he had no choice but to atone for at least two of those. Doing so would change nothing, but all that mattered now was that Severus was ready to face his past. It had been a horrific one, filled with heartache and sadness all around him. 

Nothing could ever remove the stench of all he'd done, but if he could confront the failures that haunted him the most, then he thought--actually, it was Dumbledore who thought such-- that he might be able to spend the remainder of his life in some sort of peace.

Truth be told, Severus didn't have any thought about a future; he was prepared to die this very day. And, even if he did live to see another day, there would never be true peace for him.

But he would seek his redemption as Albus had asked him to do. It was the least he could do. for ALbus. 

For Lily.

For Regulus.

Yes, even for Harry.

Because he certainly wasn't doing this for himself.

Hatred and self-loathing were eating away at Severus--had done for the whole of his life--and if he continued as he was, and if by some miracle he lived, he knew he'd do what he'd promised Lily all those years ago that he would never do. 

He wanted to ignore that promise.

He wished he could. 

He could taste the victory that ending his life on his terms would give him.

Freedom was what he sought, and he knew it was his for the taking.

But he had promised Lily.

He had made many promises to Lily, and he'd broken almost all of them. And now, he was about to break another. He was going to send her son to his death. 

After he faced his past, he would again descend into the depths of hell: for the greater good.

Minutes later, standing near the door to the tower that would lead Severus to the site of his saddest memory, Severus found it almost impossible to breathe. He tried valiantly to prevent the hyperventilating, and he succeeded, but only just. What had he been thinking? How could he have thought he'd ever be ready to face this? He wasn't ready. He would never be ready.

His nights for the past eleven months had been filled with nightmares, and he woke up drenched in perspiration and tears more times than he cared to think about.

But it was no less than he deserved.

His living was more than he deserved.

Severus began to shake uncontrollably. No one and nothing for Severus had or ever would be the same. That night had changed everything. Every relationship and advance Severus had made in any area of his life now mattered not at all, and the knowledge of such was almost more than Severus could accept.

For a man who had craved love and acceptance all his life, the lack of either was a magic bullet to his being that had killed him more thoroughly than those Muggle bullets that people so loved to use these days ever could.

Severus walked and talked--led his daily life as he had to--but there was no desire or happiness left within him. Every last bit of both had gone with the departure of Albus Dumbledore. For when Severus Snape had killed the Headmaster, he had killed the bearer of his redemption. He had taken away the life force of one of only three people who had believed with their entire being that Severus was a good person.

Unable to bear being near the place where the Headmaster had last stood alive, an ashen and distraught Severus nodded ever so slightly as he looked at his trembling hands that were now wrapped around the iron ring of the door. He would never again set sight on this place. He'd thought he could do this. He had been wrong. Severus swallowed as he tried once more to turn the iron ring. He willed it to open, yet he begged it to remain closed. The slightest bit of pressure would have opened the door, but such was not Severus's intention, thus, the door remained shut.

A defeated Severus shook his head and cursed the tear that threatened to fall. "Goodbye, old friend. I am doing what you asked, or I am attempting to, and I have come to terms with what happened. I forgive you. I shall never forgive myself, but I forgive you. You never did anything but try to set me on a better path. It wasn't your fault that I chose such a detrimental road for myself. It is difficult to pull oneself out of hell, so I can only imagine that doing so for someone else is the height of impossibility. That you achieved what you did with me is a miracle, and I shall never forget it, Albus."

_Go now, Severus, and forgive yourself. And never forget that you are loved._

Severus knew, of course, that these words were his imagination playing tricks on him, but they were words he needed to hear the wise old man speak, so he allowed his imagination to continue the non-existent oration. Each word washed over him like cascading waterfalls, and Severus wrapped himself in those silent soothing syllables. They helped hide the hideous heinous horror of what Severus's life had become.

If he were lucky, Severus would meet death this night and not have to live with the horrible knowledge that his actions had led to so many needless deaths. Luck, however, had never been on Severus Snape's side, so he envisioned himself as an aged ninety frail shadow of a wizard sitting on a park bench in Kensington Gardens, feeding the birds. It was not at all a concerting or forgiving image.

Five minutes later, Severus left the Tower and headed to the one place in the castle he had avoided like the plague for the past nineteen years. That he was now going towards that which he'd ignored for so long was tearing Severus Snape apart. He wished with everything that this wasn't about to happen. He fought with himself, not wanting to face this. Yet, he had no choice, did he? He had unfinished business, and he needed to face it. It would give him the strength to do what needed to be done later in the night.

Not really. That was rubbish. Nothing would ever give him the strength to do what he knew he must, but if he could send another young man to his death, then he knew he had to confront the first.

The musty air became more so the further Severus traveled beneath the castle. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been to this end of the school. This area had once seen much activity, but when Headmaster Dippet had become redundant, so had this part of Hogwarts.

When the familiar hum hit his ears, Severus tensed. He'd forgotten about her.

No, he hadn't, but he hadn't wanted to think about her, thus, he hadn't.

Closing his eyes, Severus willed himself to remain in the present. Reliving the past did no one any good.

The last turn before he reached his destination, Severus swallowed.

He was nineteen again ... in mind.

He re-opened his eyes and allowed them to focus on what had once been the location of the Room of Requirement whilst he had attended Hogwarts. The room was now located on the opposite side of the castle, but it wasn't the actual room that held the memories as much as the path to said room.

The same old rickety board hung above the archway that led to the old Headmaster's Office, and the exact foul smell lingered as it had all those years ago.

Severus wrinkled his nose and shook his head in defeat when he allowed a slight guffaw to escape as he thought of a certain someone sicking up the first time the two of them had smelled the offending odor. Severus never had revealed that he too had done the very same thing the following day.

One final turn and Severus was there. Dark, foreboding, cold, damp, and lonely. It was lonelier than Severus could have anticipated.

The picture of the young maiden with her newborn child--a child that had cried incessantly all those many years ago--was still there. It had stood just outside the entrance, and each time someone approached, the young maiden had asked if anyone could help her squalling baby daughter.

Severus hadn't once responded.

"Where is Master Regulus?" asked a familiar lilting voice, a hint of sadness just beneath the surface.

A paling Severus slowly looked up at the painting when he realized there was something wrong.

The baby girl was no longer crying, and her mother was looking at Severus, a lone tear trickling down her face. Severus, horror-struck at the sudden onslaught of realization that hit him, opened his mouth to respond, but he had no idea what to say.

He shook his head and backed away a few steps.

A sense of hopelessness descended upon him. He now thought he knew what this was about, and he wasn't ready to hear the maiden's words.

Not yet.

Had Albus known this would happen? Had the former Headmaster known what was to happen? Had Severus been sent here to prepare him for what was to come?

"My daughter has gone to join young Master Regulus. I fear the two of them will soon be joined by another. Take care, Master Severus, and do not fear. Your path has been chosen, but it has also been paved by others who have loved you. Do not doubt that love. It will make your transition painless."

She spoke no more.

Severus swallowed, but it wasn't because he had been told he was most likely soon to meet his death--he had long ago resigned himself to that fate and would welcome it with open arms--it was because he'd been reminded of an emotion he'd once felt. It was the greatest feeling imaginable, and Severus had experienced it. Not for long, but, he had, and he would never forget.

The memories came crashing in around him.

It was as if no time had elapsed. The year was 1979 and he and Regulus were standing in this very spot, laughing and stealing kisses between their frotting sessions against the wall opposite the portrait. The incessant crying of the baby served as a barely bearable backdrop, but the grating sounds were drowned out by moans and exclamations to higher powers. Severus and Regulus had each taken turns walking past the portrait. Next, they'd entered the room. They'd fucked. They'd frotted. They'd fucked again. They'd taken turns rimming one another. They'd fucked again. Then they'd talked … and fought.

Each word came back to Severus and he so wanted to be there in that moment.

Severus wished with every bone in his body that it were 1979. He wished it were 09 January again and that he and Regulus were fighting as they had that evening. He wished he were still lying in that bed, his arse sore from the fucking he'd received. He wished he were being wounded by words again, and that he could hear Regulus tell him that this hadn't been his choice. He wished that he could again tell Regulus how he felt and how hurt he was.

He wished that almost nineteen years hadn't elapsed since that day.

He wished that Regulus hadn't died six months later.

He wished he had told Regulus that it didn't matter, that he would take Regulus however and whenever he could have him.

He wanted more than anything to see Regulus tonight.

Severus turned towards where the door had once materialized, and closed his eyes. 

It was his nineteenth birthday, and he had just had the best sex of his life.

> _"I'm sorry, Sev. You know I wish things could be different."_
> 
> _Seconds later, the bed shifted as Severus prepared to depart._
> 
> _"Don't go. Please stay," Regulus pleaded, his young, aged seventeen voice trembling._
> 
> _"Greedy, are we? You want me in your bed but not in your life. How convenient for you, Reg. You get to fuck me, then leave me, yes? I am a poor sod from Spinner's End who has no life, so you think you can do as you please and take me to your bed. You think that you can fuck me at will, and you have, haven't you? I've been all too ready to oblige your insatiable libido. I wanted you to shove your cock up my arse as much as you wanted to shove your prick down mine. I've never denied that. Yes, I know what I have to offer, and it is nothing other than a willing arse and an open heart--and don't even think about saying anything about that last bit. You know why I said that, and I dare you to say you don't feel the same about me. I have been someone's fuck toy, and you know that. I know what it's like to be nothing more than someone's whore. I am not your fuck toy or whore, and you aren't mine. But I guess it isn't enough, is it? I guess it means nothing to you. What a fool I've been. And. Well. It's not as if I didn't know what your answer would be. Why would you want to forego uni for me? I'm sure you'll go off and get yourself properly educated and get an outstanding job so you can keep your side job properly hidden while I risk my life with no cover," Severus replied, biting bitterness wrapped around each sibilant syllable he spoke. How could he have allowed himself to think that things would be different this time?"_
> 
> _"Don't be so dramatic, Severus. You knew what my answer was going to be. You've known since we started this--whatever we have going here-- that Mum wants me to go to wizarding university in Bulgaria. I told her I'm thinking about taking a gap year, but you can imagine her response. 'I don't think so, Reg. Your brother, Sirius, has been such a disappointment, so your father and I are looking to you to do us proud.' So yeah, I've responsibilities. You know it's not what I want, Sev, but it's what I must do."_
> 
> _Severus huffed, then stood and turned to face Regulus._
> 
> _"Your brother had the right idea, Reg. Yes, he is a right git and I can't stand the sight of him, but at least he does as he sees fit. He doesn't allow his mummy and daddy to lead his life for him. He has a pair and he isn't afraid to use them; you need to buck up and get some yourself."_
> 
> _"Get out if you feel that way. Go find Sirius and fuck him if you think his are any bigger than mine. I think you'll be disappointed, but, then again, you would take it up the arse from anyone, wouldn't you?" huffed Regulus, his eyes glaring at Severus in hatred. "Get out!" ___

Severus opened his eyes and allowed the past to pass. He didn't want to think about what had happened next, and he didn't want to be reminded that he'd walked away from the only person who had or would ever truly love him in the way that a lover loves their chosen one.

That had been the last time Severus spoke to Regulus.

The day after they'd buried Regulus, Severus had been visited by a large eagle owl--the Black's prized owl that was rumoured to be descended from Merlin's personal owl. Tied to her leg, she'd carried a message on a cream-coloured parchment, the Black family crest emblazoned on the front.

> _My brother left this with me and made me promise that if anything happened to him, I was to give it to you. I don't much like you. I think you are the reason my brother was murdered, but I do love him, and if he thought it was important for you to have this, then you shall._
> 
> _Sirius Black_
> 
> _Please forgive me, Severus. I loved you too much. I put you in danger. He asked me to bring you to him. I said no. I fear he will have me killed, but I would die a thousand deaths before I allowed him or someone else to harm or kill you. Please don't hate me. I love you, Severus Snape._
> 
> _Love, RAB_

Sometime later, after Severus had gathered himself and removed any proof that tears had made their way down his face, he descended the castle steps, prepared for whatever was to come. As tense as he was, he allowed the briefest of smiles to grace his lined, smudged, tear-stained face.

He had no idea how he would meet his death, but he knew how he would greet Albus.

He would embrace him and thank him for seeing something in him worth saving.

And Severus knew how he would greet Regulus.

With open, accepting arms.

The Whomping Willow before him, Severus stilled his trembling body. He would face this like a man. He would do what he had to do. He would pacify his Master, he would send Potter to his death, then he would meet his own.

_No man is an island,_  
Entire of itself.  
Each is a piece of the continent,  
A part of the main.  
If a clod be washed away by the sea,  
Europe is the less.  
As well as if a promontory were.  
As well as if a manor of thine own  
Or of thine friend's were.  
Each man's death diminishes me,  
For I am involved in mankind.  
Therefore, send not to know  
For whom the bell tolls,  
It tolls for thee.  
-John Donne 


End file.
